Murder and Birth are the Same

It is far easier to do without than to have to lose. Bringing someone into this world is equivalent to ending a mature life. Both conditions require that one decides the fate of another, both are done without consent, and both will change the world irrevocably.

I lost my father not one year ago, and from this experience I can say how much more neurotic and fearful I am towards my mother. Every time I am not in her presence I expect a phone call or news report telling me she is dead. I cannot approach her room at night without fearing the trauma of seeing her cold, wan face tucked beneath the covers, with death her final blanket. 

I Don't Do Much of Anything

I am the cleanest person you will ever meet. I don't do a single drug, legal or otherwise besides the occasional glass of red wine. Not even a painkiller or antihistamine will breach my lips. So it is not chemical addiction that has made me a failure.

I resist virtually every new trend and whatever advice anyone has to give me. I don't want help - in fact, I despise it. I get caught in cycles where new ideas and innovations are flying around me, but I remain in my cocoon of old British comedies, theoretical physics and a never-ending march of data to my hippocampus that I never put to good use. In other words, it's all input and no output, and it's always been this way.

I can't interact with a lot of my peers as I haven't experienced nearly the same amount of things they have. I can't comment on sports, parties, bars, clubs, or drugs, and virtually all social events. I don't use a popular computer, operating system, or utilize the same software as most people I know, nor do I use most of it productively.

All in all, my life is about resistance, not creation. Don't live this way or you will be a shell, a cipher, a loser for the rest of your miserable life.